Dialogue: Coin Operated Boy

Technician

OK, let's try this one more time. I don't feel so good, what would you recommend?

Brendan

Poor Jerry... Did Maggie ask you to sleep on the couch again?

Technician

Yeah... that's going in the troubleshoot log.

Let's take it from the top. What's your name?

Brendan

I'm Brendan, your friendly, neighborhood Spontaneous Craving Satisfaction Machine. How about a coffee? Word of warning – it could be delicious!

Technician

Seems to be workin' now...

Say, Brendan. What's the difference between a broken bone and a broken heart?

Brendan

SYSTEM ERROR. I REPEAT – SYSTEM ERROR.

Technician

Ah, damn it to hell...

Brendan

Hello there, Night Citizen! Do I sense a craving for a cup of tea? Hot soup to go? Or maybe something more... out there?

V

1AAre you... talking to me?

Brendan

1AOf course I'm talking to you! "When your energy's low, grab a drink to go, go, go!!!"

1AHow was that? Maybe you have some tips for a new motto? What would make you crave tomato juice? Need something catchy...

V

2AHeh, OK... aren't you supposed to be an S.C.S.M, or are my optics glitching out?

Brendan

2AI'm Brendan. The service industry's latest, most advanced AI – capable of detecting dehydration for up to a hundred feet and offering thirst-quenching remedies...

2AAs well as free spiritual advice to the lonely passerby. What's your name, stranger?

V

3AWhy am I talking to a S.C.S.M? Uh, my name's V.

Brendan

3APleasure to meet you, V! Do you come here often?

V

4AUh, pretty often, as a matter of fact.

Brendan

4AI'm sorry... did I correctly hear you ask if I wanted to join you for a cup of coffee?

V

4AUmm... no?

Brendan

4AOh, well that's OK, 'cause you can have one now! And just to clarify – we don't have to move an inch! How do you take it? Milk, sugar?

V

4BNope. First time here.

Brendan

4BWouldn't you know! I could tell you weren't from around here, what with that homesickness of yours!

4BAnd you know what the best cure for homesickness is? A sweet, refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage!

V

3AOK, you got me. I'm sold.

Brendan

3ASold? Nothing's gonna be sold here, 'cause you know what? I'm gonna give you a can of NiCola for free!

V

3AHeh, thanks... Brendan, right?

Brendan

3AThaaaat's right! Gosh, it's so cool you remembered... even for a simple S.C.S.M!

3ASee ya around! Don't be a stranger, now!

V

2B"Are your processors slow...? Get a boost of fresh-squeezed tomato!"

Brendan

2BWowza! There's a true poet in you, yet!

V

2BMh, if only you knew...

Brendan

Hiya, V! Long time no see!

Hi, you there! Mysterious stranger! Yoohoo!

Yeah, you! There any other mysterious stranger around here?

V

5BSure, be my guest.

Brendan

5BWhat must all Trauma Team medics swear to uphold?

5BThe Hypocritical Oath.

V

OK... What's going on?

Brendan

Why, it's my favorite customer! You must be my guardian angel, sent straight from heaven to help me! Can you... help me?

V

What happened?

Brendan

See that container in front of me? It's completely blocking my view of the street, depriving an S.C.S.M. of its greatest pastime...

Could you move it a bit to the side? I'll reward you with my undying gratitude... even though technically I don't stock that...

V

I'll see what I can do.

Brendan

Hey there, stranger! I'm Brendan, your friendly, neighborhood S.C.S.M. – and the nicest AI in all of Night City!

You can select from a wide range of beverages or just drop by for a chat anytime!

Now it's your turn. What's your name?

V

6AWhy am I talking to a S.C.S.M? Uh, my name's V.

Brendan

6APleasure to meet you, V! Do you come here often?

V

7AUh, pretty often, as a matter of fact.

Brendan

7AI'm sorry... did I correctly hear you ask if I wanted to join you for a cup of coffee?

V

7AUmm... no?

Brendan

7AOh, well that's OK, 'cause you can have one now! And just to clarify – we don't have to move an inch! How do you take it? Milk, sugar?

V

7BNope. First time here.

Brendan

7BWouldn't you know! I could tell you weren't from around here, what with that homesickness of yours!

7BAnd you know what the best cure for homesickness is? A sweet, refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage!

V

6AOK, you got me. I'm sold.

Brendan

6ASold? Nothing's gonna be sold here, 'cause you know what? I'm gonna give you a can of NiCola for free!

V

6AHeh, thanks... Brendan, right?

Brendan

6AThaaaat's right! Gosh, it's so cool you remembered... even for a simple S.C.S.M!

V

8ACool. So did you want something from me...?

Brendan

8AOh, yes, well, I do apologize for taking advantage of you at this early stage in our friendship, but could I ask you for a favor?

V

8BDo you know any jokes?

Brendan

8BWho's always limbo champion at mercenary cookouts?

8BThe Soooo-loooo!

Thank you, V! Boy, are you strong!

Here, have a refreshing beverage! On me!

V

9ACatch you later, Brendan.

Brendan

9ACatch me? Why? Will I be falling?

V

9AIt's just something you say as a way of goodbye.

Brendan

9AOhhhh, I get it! I mean, I don't, 'cause "catching" has nothing to do with goodbyes, but oh well! Don't humans say the darndest things?

9ACatch you later, V! Hehe, what a neat phrase.

V

9BThis whole "nice" act of yours is just way too much...

Brendan

9BThat's just how I was programmed! You think anybody'd interact with a grumpy Spontaneous Craving Satisfaction Machine?

V

9BExactly... would you even be able to offend me? Ooh, come on, say I'm a whore!

Brendan

9BWhy would I wanna do that? You just saved me!

V

10AYou can do it! I believe in you!

Brendan

10AAhem... you... you're an amazing, sweet, whooooo... -lesome woman who accepts eddies in exchange for intercourse!

10ASo? How'd I do?

V

10AAlmost. You almost had it.

10BAll right, can't force you. It is your choice, after all, isn't it...?

Brendan

10BIf you call triggering an obscenity-conversion subroutine a choice, then you're absolutely right!

V

10BSo they programmed you with irony, too... or are you just being naive?

Brendan

10BThat depends on you. What would you prefer me to be?

V

10BYou know what? Never mind...

Girlfriend

He did it again. We just got back together... and now he's dodging my calls.

He's just scared of getting dumped, so he always does it first... and I'm always the one tryna save the relationship! Ugh, I feel like such a gonk.

Brendan

He's the gonk here, Theo, not you. You have so much love and empathy to give to people like him... but at what cost?

Girlfriend

I've gotta go now. Thanks for listening to all my bitching.

Brendan

I'd bet you even Donald Lundee sometimes goes through a whole tub of ice cream and three packets of tissues!

Girlfriend

Oh, Brendan... you're the sweetest person I know. I'll see you later!

Brendan

I know this can all feel like too much... but you have your own happiness to worry about, Theo. We can't always help other people.

Girlfriend

Thanks, Brendan. What would I do without you...

Clerk

A customer...? Somebody pinch me... How can I help ya?

V

11AHere to see Brendan. Guess somebody brought him here.

Clerk

11AUhh... What Brendan's that again?

V

11ASeriously? "When your energy's low, grab a drink to go, go go!"... Or however it is.

Clerk

11AAhhh, that S.C.S.M. they brought in! Haha, he really does have some of the catchiest slogans, don't he?

11AHah. But hey, look, I-I can't let you back there. Can't afford to have to break somethin' even worse.

V

12ANot sure you an' me are on the same page. You let me in, or I let myself in.

Clerk

12AWait... you threatenin' me?

V

12AGet this through your head before I put a bullet through it. Let me in the back. Now.

Clerk

12ASure. N-no, I get ya. Just let me unlock the door...

12AHah! Gullible gonk! Who's shootin' who now?!

V

12BMaybe a few eddies'll loosen the lock on that door?

Clerk

12BHmm... Well, I'm always happy to have paying "customers."

12BAll right, head on back. Update's nearly done.

V

12BUh, he's getting updated?

12CGot no idea what you're tinkerin' with. Brendan's unique. Damn near miracle of science.

12CBet the bank you've never come across a machine with that kinda cognitive matrix. For an AI to exist in such a small--

Clerk

12CAll right, all right, Jesus... You know your stuff. Trust you won't break nothin'.

12CGo check on your little "miracle" while its firmware gets updated.

V

12CUh, he's getting updated?

11BYour place – what is it exactly?

Clerk

11BWelcome to your local SoftSys service point. "Give new life to old tech."

V

11BYou fix equipment? Seriously? People actually do that 'stead of buyin' new?

Clerk

11BWith the amount of customers we get, find myself askin' the same question day after day.

V

13AWho's that girl you were talking to?

Brendan

13AOh... you mean Theo? She's my bestest friend.

13AGosh! She's so nice, and pretty and sensitive! I like talking to her. Definitely way more fun than pumping out caramel lattes!

V

13AWhy do I get the feeling that judging people on how they look and feel is ever so slightly beyond you?

Brendan

13AHogwash! If I couldn't analyze people, how would I know whether to recommend a Daring Dairy instead of a Tiancha?

V

14AI may've overestimated you... you're nothing but a robot. And not even a complex one, at that.

Brendan

14AYou don't need to be complex to say something meaningful from time to time.

V

14AThat's yet to be proven. See ya, Brendan.

14BYou said you liked some people more than others. Earlier, you thought of a joke. You're sentient – you've gotta be!

Brendan

14BOh stop it, you're making me blush!

14BWhich would mean I'm overheating and my circuits are frying. Not fun at all.

V

14BThat's what I thought. Take care, Brendan.

13BHey, Brendan! Got any jokes for me today?

Brendan

13BWhat do you get when you're fired by a corp?

13BSevered and put in a package!

Wh-what are you doing? I'm perfectly satisfied with my appearance, thank you very much. Sir, please stop!

Hooligan

Or you'll do fucking what?

Brendan

I could make you a cup of tea. How about Groovy Green?

Wh-what are you doing? I'm perfectly satisfied with my appearance, thank you very much. Sir, please stop!

Hooligan

Or you'll do fucking what?

Brendan

I could make you a cup of tea. How about Groovy Green?

Help! I'm being defaced over here!

Clerk

Hey! What the hell?! Beat it, you hear me?!

V

15AYou deaf? He asked you to do something – politely.

Hooligan

15AChill the fuck out – it's just an S.C.S.M!

Brendan

15APlease, just leave me alone! Do it for your mother! I know Helen's very worried about you!

Hooligan

15AThe fuck...? How you know my ma...?

V

16APack up your shit and get outta here before I break your hands.

Hooligan

16AYou gotta be jokin'. Over a piece of fuckin' metal?!

V

16AI'll count to three. One... two...

Hooligan

16ALady dawg's crazy, yo!

V

16BBe chilled, all right? Brendan didn't mean anything by it. It's not in his nature.

Hooligan

16BHow could he "mean" anything? He's a fucking S.C.S.M! And he's collectin' data on my mom!

V

16BIt's called having a memory. Pretty standard these days.

Hooligan

16BTryna to be smart with me? Why you're defending him? This pile o' rust's collectin' dirt on me for the fuckin' corps, yo!

16BWho knows... maybe you're a corpo agent, too?! Who do you work for? Huh?!

V

17AYou know him?

Brendan

17ANot personally, but his mother sometimes drops by for coffee. She says I'm a great listener. Can't argue with that!

Hooligan

17AYou talkin' shit about my momma?! I'll fuck you up!

Brendan

Thank you, V! Boy, I was scared to my core! I thought he'd paint some mean things on me! The humiliation...!

Say... Since we've been through so much together... I guess that makes us best friends! That calls for a discount!

V

Thanks, Brendan.

Brendan

Don't worry, you deserve it! You're one tough cookie... and yet, so... nice!

V

Not to everyone.

Brendan

I couldn't be mean even if I wanted to! Especially to you – can't speak ill of the dead, right?

V

18AWait... what?

Brendan

18AYou're not supposed to be here, and yet here you are! Like a glitch in the system... or a daemon coded by a brilliant netrunner.

18AYou know what daemons are capable of... right, V?

V

19AHow... how did you know that?

Brendan

19ASurprised? Lots of people come to me... so I listen to them and learn how they talk.

19AI caught your name once or twice and pieced together the puzzle. Not bad for an S.C.S.M, right?

V

19AUh, how about... We'll talk later, all right? Catch you later, Brendan.

No idea what you're talkin' about. Must be confusing me with someone else.

Brendan

Oh no... have I? I'm terribly sorry... Maybe I'm not as smart and insightful as I thought I was...

V

Yeah. I mean, no. Maybe. Uh, catch you later, Brendan.

V

20AWait... where's Brendan?

Girlfriend

20AThey just came and took him, just like that. They said... they said they had to reevaluate part of his code...

20AI tried stopping them. Told them he was my best friend... they looked at me like I was crazy...

V

21AIf they'd just talked to him, they would've realized Brendan isn't... your typical S.C.S.M.

Girlfriend

21AI knew it couldn't've been just me. He's like... he's like a real person!

21AThey took him to a maintenance point. One of 'em must felt sorry for me or something... he gave me his card.

21ABring him back... please? I... I can't do this without him.

Brendan

Well, I'll be darned! What a pleasant surprise! You came to say your final goodbyes?

V

22AWhat do you mean? You're not getting scrapped, are you? You were making bank!

Brendan

22AThanks for the compliment, but I guess that's the problem. Seems like I was unfair competition in the S.C.S.M. market.

22AThey're updating my system as we speak to make me sound less like a "real person." My boss reeeaally didn't like that.

22AI reportedly "creeped" customers out. Stupid Brendan! Why did I say stuff they didn't want to hear about themselves!

22AIf someone wants a therapy session, they go to a psych-doc, not a soda machine!

V

23AWho cares about your customers? Doesn't anybody realize you're sentient?

23AIt's like giving someone a lobotomy... or worse! They're scooping out your entire consciousness!

Brendan

23AOhh... now things make sense. You thought I'd reached AGI levels of artificial intelligence? Haha, don't I wish!

23AI'm just a talking S.C.S.M... with an algorithm that's just a biiiiit too proficient in normal human conversation.

V

23AWhat about Theo? You said she was pretty, you comforted her...

Brendan

23AI was taught what "beauty" and "empathy" meant from my conversations with customers.

V

24AYou had me fooled, I'll admit it...

24BI figured as much. And to think you pulled that off on your own...

23BMaybe it's for the best. Sooner or later you would've gotten bored just standing in a corner.

23BYou would've dreamed of becoming an opera singer... or a braindance star. Self-awareness is overrated.

23CI suspected as much. You're not actually an AI, are you? At least, not anywhere close to an AGI.

23CThe processing power required to handle an AI with the capacity for free will... your processor just isn't big enough.

Brendan

23CAnd you'd be correct! Say, you must be a pretty good techie!

V

23CYour code-monkey deserves a prize. Best convo-emulating algorithm I've ever interacted with. Almost had me fooled.

Brendan

23CYou seem slightly disillusioned.

V

23CWell, who else could say their friend was a S.C.S.M? It was almost crazy enough to be beautiful.

Brendan

22ALooks like the update'll soon be complete. Tell Theo that I'll miss her.

22AYou thought I'd be sad, didn't you? As if I really was a sentient being? A real person?

22AI'll tell you my last joke in the voice of a dying hero. What else can you do but laugh in the face of death? Ha! So, how about it?

V

25AYou know what? Go for it. I could learn to laugh like that, too.

Brendan

25ADon't get all mushy on me now, V! You... you have to, khe khe... to keep living. Tell Theo... tell Theo that she's stronger... than she thinks. Khe, khe khe.

V

25ADon't worry, Brendan. I'll tell her.

Brendan

25AHey, V... Where was Johnny Silverhand when the... khe, khe... when the bomb at Arasaka Tower went off?

V

25ADunno. Where?

Brendan

25AAll over the place. Literally.

25ASOFTWARE UPDATE INSTALLED SUCCESSFULLY

V

25AG'bye, Brendan. I'll miss you.

25BI don't wanna make this any longer than it has to be.

Brendan

25BAs you wish, V! I hope we'll meet again one day. Over a refreshing beverage, of course!

V

25B...

Brendan

25BV? You won't say anything? It'd be nice to hear your voice one mo--

25BUPDATE SUCCESSFULLY INSTALLED

V

25BG'bye, Brendan.

Girlfriend

So? Did you find him? W-where is he? Is he coming back?

V

26AI got there too late. They updated his system.

Girlfriend

26AIs that... bad news?

V

26AThe Brendan you knew is gone. They replaced him with some generic AI that's gonna be in every S.C.S.M.

26AHe told me to tell you that he'll miss you.

Girlfriend

26AFuck...! Ugh... I mean, thanks. Dammit, that stupid robot was the best thing to happen to me in months.

26AYou know... Brendan got me out of a... really dark place. Doesn't matter who or what he really was.

V

26AI'm gonna miss him, too.

26BI got there too late. They updated his system.

Girlfriend

26BIs that... bad news?

V

26BWhat makes you say that? He was just a robot. His algorithm collected data to replicate human speech. He wasn't real.

Girlfriend

26BBrendan pulled me out of a really dark place in my life. Are you gonna tell me that wasn't real?

V

27ABrendan may've only seemed real. But you're actually real, Theo.

Girlfriend

27AThat "robot" was nicer than all of the people in this gonk city combined! If Brendan wasn't real, then fuck being real!

27AYou-- you can go if you want. Thanks for your help.

V

27ATake care, Theo.

27BI guess... in a way, the human brain's like an operating system, right? If what he did for you was real... then that must make him real, too.

Girlfriend

27BHe existed, didn't he? The nicest person in Night City...

27BAnyway, thanks for everything.

V

27BTake care, Theo.

26CI found him. Told me to tell you that you're strong inside – always were.

Girlfriend

26CWell that doesn't sound so bad... right?

26CI'm just worrying for nothing, aren't I? Just blowing things out of proportion – assuming the worst... Typical...

Brendan

You know what? How 'bout I tell you a joke?

Of course I'm talking to you! "When your energy's low, grab a drink to go, go, go!!!"

How was that? Maybe you have some tips for a new motto? What would make you crave tomato juice? Need something catchy...

Hooligan

Uhff! You got a problem?!

Brendan

V? You won't say anything? It'd be nice to hear your voice one mo--

UPDATE SUCCESSFULLY INSTALLED

V

G'bye, Brendan.

Girlfriend

You-- you can go if you want. Thanks for your help.

V

Take care, Theo.